Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Good Whore

Come sit by me and let me look at you - you are beautiful and you are strange and you are smart. Tell me, please who you are. Tell me what you're scared of. I want to take care of you - you need to be taken care of, don't you? I know you want it ... to be taken care of. I know you want it - a man to be inside of you who gives a shit about you. Look into my eyes. You're going to make me fall in love with you. You do this so well. You must mean it with me. My wife doesn't care anymore. But I don't want to talk about that right now. I just want to talk about you. Look at you. Don't you have a boyfriend? Don't you have anyone who cares? Is this all you do? Tell me more about you as I look over your shoulder at her. Do you want another drink? You're so smart. You're so interesting. What are you doing here? Have you been on stage yet?

I should have worn another pair of pants. My Dockers. Yeah.

I should have met you 10 years ago. I don't want to be your friend - I just want to be your lover. Well, I sorta want to be your friend but your body tempts me. Damn girl --

I bet you're lonely. I'll bet many men don't understand you. You're strong. You make me think about myself. You bring things up in me that I never quite thought about. Do you like her? That girl in the pink and white across the room? Is she cool? She seems stuck up.... not nice like you. I like brunettes anyway. But, if you wanted to dance for her I would pay you. Do you want breakfast? Why don't we go eat afterward? I think I'm going to get a divorce. You're so cool ... the way you look at me. The way you look at me makes me think I've made a mistake in my life. Too bad we can't talk tonight. My wife is home. But, I'm going to think of you. How much was that dance?
20 dollars?

Here's a tip.... You're worth more than 20 dollars. You're so beautiful. I can't believe I've met you in this place. I bet you do this to a lot of men. They're probably beating down your door. It would be hard to be your man. I bet you do this to lots of men. Look what you do. You do this to lots of men don't you -- you bad girl you. You make men question all the choices they've made. You make them second guess themselves... make them feel like boys again.
You seem like a safe place.

You're too much woman. I can only handle this one 20 dollars at a time - even though you're worth more. Yeah. You should get a boyfriend. I can't believe some guy hasn't snatched you up. You need to go to school. You'll find a nice man there to take care of you. You are too good for this place. Look around - it's like an orgy. You are classy. Look at her - she looks used.

You are a good woman. You probably inspire men to be better than they really are - or scare them. Not me. If I could - I would handle it all just fine.
You are strong. You are hot. I wish I was yours.

I'll have to come back with my credit card, next time -----

Download free song:


Could've sworn I heard you say amen this morning, showing some kind of sign that you believe
Did it fall from your tongue without warning or just another trick to fall from your sleeve
Did I hear you say that you believe in angels? I guess I bring the devil out in you
But we can both remove our halos 'cause even an angel needs love too
Even angels need love too

The woman in you is the worry, the worry in me
The woman in you is the worry, the worry in me

Some things never change; Some things never stay the same
But you're so innocent, I'll take all the blame
How I hate to remember for that means the day is past
Sometimes I wonder if I know her or if I really need to ask
Or if I really need to ask

The woman in you is the worry, the worry in me
The woman in you is the worry, the worry in me
The woman in you is the worry, the worry in me

Half-man walks with no shadow of life he utters his distaste
No apology is expected
Love carved sorry in his face
Love carved sorry in his face

The woman in you is the worry, the worry in me
The woman in you is the worry, the worry in me
The woman in you, in you, is the worry in me

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sweet Lover Hiding ...

I was sorta free-flowing thinking about someone ... the hours after coming home from the club are the worse times. It is when the loneliness really teases you and you just wanna put all the noise to bed. It's almost like you're being made fun of. Listening to recycled radio ... trying to avoid all the drunks on the road ... it is the things you haven't dealt with that buoy up to the surface.


So I was digging and digging through layers of dirt, then layers of mud, into a permafrost deep into my skin and i found something i've been hidin'.

and it's a tiny bit of a grain of truth holding fast, buried with my ever innocent youth, and i hear it like a tire's silver rim, spinning - falling, echoing -- again and again --
--- somewhere out in that dark night.

and silence is pumping in my eardrum.
Cause I'm left with it, where did you go? I need you to tell me where to put it ...

i used to put it on my lower lip, that's where my truth was perched.
it dove downward into your gravity, i'm what you found in your unknowing search.

i spread it on my hands, where you vulnerably came and fed
in your black and white existence --- I gave you RED.

I used to put it on my body, deep where your dark secrets hid.
this place of sanctuary - the one you quietly coveted.

my heart was better off not ever knowing ---- that it could ever be that good.
coulda woulda shoulda thought better of it
cuz you ran as far and as fast as you could

you see, i knew this would happen all along,
even then i could only imagine ...
i knew those sweet moments would haunt me later
and mock my heart and nostalgic passion

and so i've been ....
... digging through layers of dirt, and layers of mud, into a permafrost in my skin and i found something i've
... been hidin'.

my restless longing for all that is wrong for me
and you
...... my sweet lover hiding.

(download song:) Cut and paste into browser address line. Hit enter. It should download.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Going back to the club after 2 months

Tonight is the night.
I'm going back to the club.

The timing is sorta strange, semi-inconvenient but nonetheless - it's here.

My stage name has been Natalia for years. But, beginning tonight, as I start my BEGINNING OF THE END of the life - I will change my name to Vivian. It just sorta came to me.

After touring, living on a bus with 12 people, traveling from city to city, and getting paid (for once) more than dancing - I wonder how much I will be able to re-transition back into that mindset of dancing semi-naked around a pole, talking to strangers as if I really give a crap about their pretentious attitude and their stories of exaggerated self-importance.

I pray that I will see the opportunity to connect with the human being inside of such a savage place. I know I'll be okay. I'm just gettin ready ...


Sunday, July 13, 2008

Hi there everybody (all of maybe 2 folks ... heh he). What a busy busy world we live in, eh? I'm constantly reminded of how self-important we all are.
With that said... I'm going to talk about myself. HA! But, not because I love doing that ... it's because I need to sometimes hear myself so that I can understand at what point of ridiculousness my thinking is at. Sometimes it's raw and really out in the middle of nowhere where my cell phone gets no bars. Sometimes, it's right in the middle of night street lights - dense with people swerving together ... like a school of fish.
Lately, I've just been chillin' since I got back from the road. Oh yea ... lemme explain. So, I mentioned that I am a concert tour photographer. See. I'm not a "lying stripper" ... I'm an oxymoron ... an "honest stripper". But, I'm being sarcastic ... I will THAT explain later.

For now ... yes, I am a concert tour photographer. I work for a major sponsor and live on a bus with 12 other people several weeks, sometimes months, at a time. Imagine that? Sounds fun. It certainly is. But I can promise you that human beings really stink after a while.
However, that is besides the point. As I was saying ... I've been chilling and haven't been back to the club for almost 2 months. You see, I've been dancing off and on for 6 years. I started doing it in San Francisco (I lived there up til' 2 years ago). Yea. That's not the cheapest place to live. So, in order to do these silly unpaid, full-time, Monday-Friday journalism and multi-media internships, I HAD to get creative.
There I was -- swinging on a brass pole at night while fact checking for Mother Jones Magazine and producing radio during the day. I guess you can say that I'm a pretty seasoned, "exotic dancer", "stripper", "naked entertainer" ... or slut. Your label about me all depends on what sorta dysfunctional background you come from, I guess. :::Raising My HAND::: I come from one too! No judgments.

As I was saying, I haven't been back to the club in 2 months. And for the first time in my life I seriously, seriously don't want to. I think I've learned all that I need to from that experience and am entering a new phase in my life. I've recently realized something about this blog. I'm BEGINNING to write about stripping just as I'm ready to RETIRE my clear stilettos. I am entering the "hindsight" of it all (pun intended). Hindsight? Yes. There is MUCH to be learned about life through stripping -- if you pay attention.

OH ... and one reader asked me if I like it? Yes. I like it. I like the expression dancing part of it (and OTHER things that I will explore in this blogging journey). But, when it comes down to drunken, fraternity "I never come to these sorts of places" boys -- no --- I don't like it. But, yes -- I love moving slowly, sweating, and the liberating feeling I get from dancing on stage.

I have many, many stories and hard lessons learned and look forward to exploring them here with you. I'm just giving some "obligatory" background info so that you know I'm human. Oh no! Human.
Yes. I am. How do I know this?
I just blew my nose. Gross.

Thanks to my already life friends and new readers for coming by ... it's very cool to spill the beans with you.
Come back tomorrow ... I will have a gift.

Til then ...

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Naked Undulating - Vulnerably Speaking

Oh .... so there's sorta a little side job I have. On the side like salad - and salad dressing, (I like Ranch dressing but sometimes I like blue-cheese). As in "I am really" a professional documentary/concert photographer. But whatever, that's not the point. The point is that I'm also a stripper. An exotic dancer. I undulate on a pole. Frankly, I am sick of it. But, gotta keep doing it for a little while. You see, I also sing and write. As for the possible (impossible) alternative, that is: sitting at a beige desk. No. That sounds as fun to me as, oh let's say - smelling my fingers after digging into my belly button, (have you ever done that?). I have never done that. But, I hear it stinks.
Anyway, "photography", "singing", "writing", "stripping". It all goes together like gravity and the earth.
What was I saying? Oh yes ... dancing naked. So, I figured I would write about this world, not-serious but sometimes serious. And I want to write about the world peripheral to it. It gives me something to do as I contemplate my life. Do you ever do that? Contemplate your life? Anyway, in case you do and you're interested in reading about another little piece of carbon mass's experience with life on earth, swinging around a pole half naked in a club in Austin, TX, (only to come home and contemplate my life -- again -- over some 3 a.m. toast), then you are welcome to knock on my cyber red door, (but you can't ring my bell. That's not free). Well, I don't REALLY let people ring my bell (I don't like how loud it sounds).
I figured it was cool thing to do - write about this - so that it gives me something to do as I sigh and count my funny money and think about God and drunk people, (two things that go together almost as well as Ketchup and chocolate ice cream).
I know. But come back and you will be enlightened.
I promise. I think?